Before I gave birth, I thought babies cried all the time. Turns out, they only cry if their needs are met.
Now, this means different things to different people. “Needs,” that is.
To some, a baby’s “needs” are limited to:
Food
Clean diaper
This suggests that, when a baby is full and has a fresh diaper, they have no reason to cry. This causes confusion for many first time parents who have no idea why their baby is crying.
Remember: all first time parents must get to know their baby. They do so by responding to the baby, when the baby communicates…and the baby communicates by crying.
Imagine, as a child, if you were crying and a parent said to you…
Why are you crying? You aren’t hungry and you’ve just gone to the bathroom.
You have no reason to cry.
Is that really all a human being needs? Food, water, shelter?
I’ll spare you the rhetorical questions. No, that isn’t all a human being needs.
Why? We aren’t cars. Cars get gas, oil, and regular maintenance, and they’re good to go.
We aren’t machines.
A baby is more than her digestive system. A baby needs comfort, love, security, love, engagement, love, and love.
An adult can get lonely. A child can get lonely. So can a baby.
With some exceptions, babies spend 40 weeks in the warmth and comfort of their mother’s belly. Then, when they’ve developed enough, they emerge into the world. Then they’re placed into a hard, isolating chamber.
That baby’s gonna cry. There’s no way around it.
And just because he wants something more than food and a fresh diaper, doesn’t mean he should be ignored.
He’s confused. He’s scared. He’s brand new to the world, and he needs reassurance from the person who has been and will continue to be his entire world for the next foreseeable future.
It’s not convenient. But no one expects to have a baby and continue life as though they never had the baby.
Now imagine you have gas and need to be held upright. You have no way of communicating this to your parents. What do you do?
You cry.
So I’ll agree: when the baby’s needs are met, the baby shouldn’t cry. That includes physical needs, emotional needs, needs for security, and other, “silent” ailments that need tending.
Meet your baby’s needs. Remember this moment is temporary. Soak in the baby goodness. Let the baby soak you in, too.
This post applies to both mothers and fathers of new babies.
If you have a new mother or father in your life (or an experienced parent with a new baby), there’s a number of common mistakes you want to avoid. Too often, well-meaning friends and relatives stick their foot in their mouth by saying things that come off as patronizing, dismissive, and downright insulting. Your goal should be to support and uplift the parents of the new child. If that’s not your goal, you’re really better off keeping your distance. But if someone you love has recently had a baby, here’s some advice to ensure you’re as supportive and respectful as you can be.
DO congratulate the new parents.
This one may be obvious, but most parents will welcome any enthusiasm for their new bundle of joy.
DON’T ask how the baby is sleeping.
This one is the most common, I think because most people don’t know what else to ask. If all babies do is sleep, what else could you possibly talk about?
If you’ve ever had a baby, you’re aware how they sleep in the beginning. New parents are told to wake their babies at least every 4 hours to ensure they get adequate nutrition, so the question is irrelevant in the first couple weeks. If it’s been more than a few weeks, asking how the baby’s sleeping comes across as though the baby’s sleep pattern is your criteria for the baby’s worth and the parents’ success.
Maybe you know how little sleep new parents get, and you only want to express sympathy. There are other ways to do so without calling into question the parents’ abilities, which brings me to my next point:
DO ask the parents how they’re doing.
I’ve heard too many stories about birthing rooms that became party spaces for friends and family while the poor mother is suffering the agony of childbirth, ignored in the corner.
The fact is, the parents are often overlooked. They’ve just undergone the biggest change of their entire lives, and they’re forced to deal with these feelings alone and in silence. PPB (post-partum blues) and PPD (post-partum depression) are very real, and they can affect both parents.
Whether the birth was smooth sailing or a traumatic experiences, hormones coupled with the sinking realization of their new reality can create challenges in the mental well-being of new parents. If they’re suddenly alienated, just when they need support, it can amplify the issue.
It’s true that new parents need bonding time. But don’t hesitate to reach out with a message. They may not respond right away, but they’ll see it and appreciate it.
By the way…
People often reach out to see how the baby is doing. They congratulate the new parents, comment on how beautiful the baby is, ask how the baby is, and all if this is great!
But pay attention to the comments the family is receiving. How many people are asking after the parents’ well-being?
When my daughter was born, exactly one person asked me how I was doing.
It wasn’t something I really noticed until she did it. And it wasn’t that I was ungrateful for the congratulations and support my baby was getting. I didn’t realize what was missing, until my husband’s cousin’s new wife (who had like 5 kids and whom I’d only met once in person) asked me how I was doing.
Small things like that can remind new parents that they matter, they’re noticed, and they’re more than their social media announcement. It reminds them that their experiences matter, and that there’s a person underneath the exhaustion.
DON’T ignore the parents.
This can come in a couple forms.
Say you’re planning an outing. You realize the parents probably won’t want to (or be able to) come. But you have to recognize the loneliness that comes from this isolation. If you post pictures of all your shared friends, but you haven’t spoken to the new parents in weeks, it can hit hard. Instead, reach out to them, acknowledge that you understand if they can’t come, but that you’re thinking of them. Maybe you can include them in other ways, like making a toast and sending them a picture, or by video chatting for a couple minutes. All small things to you, but it’ll make a large and lasting impression on the new parents, and it’ll remind them they’re not alone.
That’s the first form. The second is this:
You video call, but you’re ONLY interested in the baby.
I’m sure our parents don’t even realize they’re doing this. New parents realize they’re not the child anymore, but the fact is they’re still people. They still deserve the time of day.
Often, when a new grandparent video chats with the new family, they completely ignore their children. This can be especially hard if a new mom wants to spend some time talking to her own mother, and her mother ignores her so she can watch the baby do things. If you’re talking to new parents and all you’re interested in is the baby, still let the new parents talk about what they want to talk about. Everyone needs the chance to express themselves, vent a little, and bond.
DON’T offer unsolicited advice.
Maybe you were given unsolicited advice as a new parent, and maybe you took it to heart. But most advice that comes unsolicited does three things:
It dismisses the new mother’s natural instinct,
It patronizes the new parents by suggesting they don’t know what they’re doing and they need your guidance,
It insults them by suggesting they haven’t done their own research.
Every parenting style is different. Every baby is different. Most unsolicited advice is unwelcome.
Unless you have something that you’re positive they’ve never heard, keep it to yourself.
For instance: once, I was pregnant and sitting at my husband’s art table at a local comic book convention. A man walked by, pushing a stroller and carrying his young daughter on his hip. He congratulated us on our pregnancy, and asked if he could give some advice. Something about the man, his good nature, and the fact that he asked, made me want to hear what he had to say. His advice? “Use frozen waffles as a teether. When it gets soggy, she can just eat it!”
Obviously this was something he’d just discovered, and he was proud of it. I appreciated the advice! It was something I’d never heard before, and it’s stuck with me.
But if, 30 years ago, your doctor told you (unsolicited) to give your children their own bedrooms from the getgo, that “advice” isn’t something you need to take as gospel and offer (especially unsolicited) to new parents. New research has emerged in 30 years to say that children, in fact, should start out in their parents’ room. Unsolicited advice such as this can be harmful and it insults the new parents’ own abilities to research and follow their own intuition.
Speaking of which…
DON’T ask where the baby is sleeping.
It’s a mystery to all new parents why people are so interested in their sleeping arrangements.
The first few weeks of parenthood are some of the most challenging days and nights in this couple’s life.
They’re stressed. They’re exhausted. They agonize over the baby’s safe sleep. They realize one wrong move can be deadly.
They hit their stride. They follow their intuition. They find an arrangement that works for themselves and their baby. They research the safety precautions they need to take, and they practice the parenting style that comes most naturally to them.
Then some Karen comes along and tells them to STOP what they’re doing, that their intuition is WRONG. That they’re going to make the baby too ATTACHED.
Make the baby feel too LOVED and SUPPORTED.
You’ve just tried to undermine everything about these people’s identities that has naturally emerged in this fragile, transitional period.
Nobody asks you about your sleeping arrangement. Don’t ask about theirs.
DO recognize that the father is important, too.
Best Dad in the World
It’s truly sad, hearing how many fathers feel like they’re pushed to the periphery. Remember that the father is also undergoing a major life change. And he doesn’t get to enjoy nearly as many baby snuggles as a breastfeeding mother.
Talk to him. Ask how he’s doing. Offer reassurance. Encourage him to open up. Fathers can be
DO ask how you can help.
Of you’re up for it, offering to clean, mowing the lawn, delivering meals, and sending diapers, wipes, and baby clothes by mail are all great ways to support new parents.
Ask if they have a online wishlist. Ask if any books or clothes are on there, if that’s what you hope to get. That way you don’t get any books they already have and you’ll get clothes in their style.
Maybe all they want is someone to talk to. Be an ear.
If you do drop by, it’s important to remember why you’re there. If you’ve offered to help, be there to help. Too many times I’ve heard of grandparents visiting “to help,” only to insist on holding the child and forcing the new mother to do the chores when she should be bonding during this most important bonding time.
Conclusion
This is the most important part of these new parents’ lives. Not only is their family changing, they’rechanging. They’re trying to figure out who this new person is: themselves. And by being a loving, supportive, and sympathetic part of their lives, you can help ensure it’s the most positive experience possible.
It’s amazing the things you learn about your body, your mind, and those of your child.
For now, here are just 6 of those things.
Comfort is Key
You produce the most milk when you’re relaxed. Lean back, but be in the moment–the more aware you are of baby’s latch, the better your milk will flow.
Extended Eye Contact is Magical
I remember the first time my baby made eye contact with me while breastfeeding. She used to keep her eyes closed, or let her gaze wander since she couldn’t really focus on anything anyway. But that evening, I was relaxing in bed next to my husband and I looked down to see those stunning baby blues staring right into my soul.
My first instinct was to laugh. I was so taken aback. Even a little giddy. I nudged my husband and he had the same reaction. Our daughter stared unblinking for some time. Just observing. So I stared back. I drank her in, committing the moment to memory.
Since then, I’ve had countless staring contests with my daughter. Those moments of extended eye contact are important for her development. No matter what I’m doing–watching tv, online shopping, scrolling my feed–I put it down. When my daughter is staring at me…when she needs me to be 100% present…I can look at nothing else.
No One Knows Your Child the Way You Do
Sorry, dada. The baby and I are practically one person. If a person’s life force were made visible, mine would form a direct line into our daughter.
And because of that, you can’t let anyone make you second guess your maternal instincts. Even other mothers. No one knows your child as well as you do.
A Supportive Partner is Everything
I don’t usually think in the terms I’ve laid out above. I keep things equal as much as possible. We share responsibilities. We’re equally good at reading our baby and knowing her cues. So it’s important to say, no one knows your child as well as you and your partner do.
Having a supportive partner helps you feel happier and more relaxed, which again, helps with milk production. And if they can get a few chores done while you’re tethered, all the better.
I was feeling pretty ridiculous one day, reclining shirtless on the sofa and nursing our daughter. I was feeling pretty unattractive, but I just had to laugh.
“Did you ever think you’d see me like this?” I asked my husband.
“Yes,” he replied. And that was that.
Be Comfortable with Mess
Remember the Serenity Prayer by Chester Nimitz? “Help me to accept the things I cannot change…” With a baby, especially a breastfeeding baby, many things are out of your control, including mess. You’ve probably read that you should lower your standards for cleanliness, and it’s true. But you also need to find comfort in it. The mess is there because you’re putting your child first. You’re making a choice. You’re prioritizing. Be proud of that. The mess will be cleaned soon enough–and your child will grow almost just as quickly. These first few months are precious. Let yourself be engulfed by them.
Eat While You Feed…
…but that’s easier said than done.
My husband has had to spoon-feed me at times when both my hands were occupied and I was starving.
No matter how you treated yourself before you got pregnant, you can’t–or rather, your baby can’t–afford for you to cut calories. No fasting or dieting for you. Not unless your doctor says so. Be sensible, but remember that your nourishment is your baby’s nourishment. You’re keeping someone else alive.
Pride & Prejudice & Babies 